


SG-1 And A Baby Makes Five (you do the math)

by hbunting1403



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Accidental Baby Acquisition, Alien Planet, Aliens, Everybody Lives, F/M, Ficlet, Gen, I'm Sorry, Implied Relationships, This Is STUPID, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-24
Updated: 2018-01-24
Packaged: 2019-03-08 22:43:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13468128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hbunting1403/pseuds/hbunting1403
Summary: Daniel is looking at the bundle of blankets in Sam’s arms like it's a grenade, the pin lost only seconds ago to a black hole. Teal’c looks stoic as ever, his face unreadable to all but his closest friends. Jack is trying not to smile but, c’mon-“You acquire a kid, Carter?”*Accidental baby acquisition, General Hammond's blessing, and Daniel's inability to name children.





	SG-1 And A Baby Makes Five (you do the math)

“If you’re making me hold this because I’m female, I am going to have to say something  _incredibly_ insubordinate.”

Daniel is looking at the bundle of blankets in Sam’s arms like it's a grenade, the pin lost only seconds ago to a black hole. Teal’c looks stoic as ever, his face unreadable to all but his closest friends. Jack is trying not to smile but, c’mon-

“You acquire a kid, Carter?” he asks, and he’s biting the inside of his cheek so hard he tastes blood. “I recall asking for a scientific analysis of the trees, because this is apparently important to someone in an office somewhere, and here you are - kidnapping the locals.” He looks at Daniel. “Is this a scientist thing? Because I should tell ya, this isn’t my idea of recon.” Sam looks like she’s torn between rocking the child in her arms, and throwing it at her CO’s head.

“You passed the darn thing to me,” she says, looking down at the baby like she’s never seen one before. Jack frowns, his eyes flicking between the two scientists and Teal’c.

“I’m not in the habit of passing out alien children, Carter. Tends to make my reports a little awkward to turn in,” he says, taking a few steps forward in order to get a better look at the bundle. “I handed you a weird lookin’ rock to analyse - don’t recall the chubby arms and the baby blues.” The bundle makes a squawking noise and Sam looks mildly panicked. Teal’c, seeing her distress, steps forward and gently lifts the wriggling mass from her arms.

“Major Carter, is it possible that this child is somehow related to the alleged stone of which O’Neill spoke?” Teal’c’s deep voice seems to soothe the child in question, and the wriggling stops abruptly. Sam turns to Jack, her shoulders raised in an aborted shrug.

“Rocks turning into babies? I mean, it’s not the weirdest thing we’ve come across but…” She trails off. She doesn’t really need to say any more. Suddenly the stork myth doesn’t sound quite as far-fetched - and Jack is definitely getting a migraine.

“So,” says Daniel, the only one who has yet to say anything about the mysterious child that has appeared in their midst, “I’m guessing we can’t just leave it here. You know, in the middle of this slightly hostile-looking forest.” He raises his eyebrows and shoves his hands into the pockets of his fatigues. “It’s not like we can take the moral high-ground over the Goa’uld if we abandon babies in the woods.”

“Yes, because that is the edge for which we are constantly searching, Daniel; the moral high-ground. I’m sure that’ll stand us in good stead when they next attempt to kill us.”

They take the baby back through the ‘gate.

* * *

Janet Fraser has done every test she can on the infant - newborn, really - and she can find absolutely nothing to suggest that it is not a perfectly ordinary human. It has one pair of lungs, one heart, and the correct number of fingers and toes. It’s not like they can check whether or not it speaks English yet, but it’s making noises like most human babies, and it hasn’t sprouted any tentacles.

Strictly speaking, Janet hasn’t actually done  _every_ test.

“You want to test it against our DNA?” asks Sam, and she’s grinning now because there is no way that the Doctor can be serious. The suggestion that Sam - or indeed any of SG-1 - could have accidentally created another human being verges on outlandish.

“Look, Doc - I know that we’ve had some pretty odd time-related escapades before but last time I checked, we were away for nine hours - not nine months,” says Jack. He’s eyeing her like she’s lost her mind - though his gaze keeps straying towards the baby that Teal’c is currently rocking backwards and forwards in his ridiculously muscular arms. He’s actually cooing, which is oddly disturbing. It’s a very low-pitched, monotone coo, but it is a coo nonetheless, and it could not look odder coming from a being who is more mountain than man.

“Okay, hear me out,” the Doctor says, with the patient tone she saves for O’Neill’s particular brand of sarcasm. “I believe that what you found was less of a rock and more of an… egg.”

There is a moment of silence.

“An egg,” Daniel repeats incredulously, pushing his glasses up his nose and looking between the baby and Sam. “You think that Sam, what -  _hatched an egg_?” Janet is trying not to smile.

“Look, you may think this is crazy but we’ve seen some pretty strange things on this base - this would hardly be the craziest. We have your DNA on file, I’d just like your permission to do a quick cross-reference.” Nobody speaks, so she goes on. “If I’m wrong, then where’s the harm? At least we can cross that possibility off our list.”

They all consent to this idea, although Teal’c raises his eyebrows to astronomical heights when they explain it to him; he’d been too busy cradling the rock-egg-baby to hear the suggestion the first time around.

* * *

And so Janet cross-references, and less than half an hour later, everyone is called back to the confines of her office. She doesn’t look worried, but her face is very slightly red. For some reason, this makes Jack nervous, but her expression seems to do nothing else but confirm Daniel’s suspicion that this entire idea is ludicrous.

“I’m guessing we haven’t collectively sired a newborn?” he says, smiling and rocking on the balls of his feet.

“Well, not collectively, no,” she says, and boy does that wipe the smile off Daniel’s face. But then Janet turns towards Sam and Jack, her palms out towards them in a helpless gesture of… congratulations?

“Major Carter, Colonel O’Neill… You are the unwitting parents of an inexplicable, healthy baby girl.”

There is a pregnant pause (and the irony of the use of this adjective in his internal monologue is not lost on Jack), in which Baby Girl Carter-O’Neill gurgles from the confines of Teal’c’s strong arms. Eventually, someone speaks.

“Perhaps, O’Neill, it would be wise to name the infant. Daniel Jackson insists on referring to her as ‘Sproglet’, and I do not wish for this to… stick,” Teal’c says calmly, as though two of his colleagues have not just become parents to a crazy alien baby.

“Might I suggest Georgina? George, for short. Good, strong name.” Jack would have whipped around if he were anyone but himself - hello,  _Black Ops_ \- but as it is he settles for a comically slow revolution.

“General Hammond, sir. Nice of you to drop by! I apologise that we didn’t invite you to the birth, baby shower, or Christening - everything’s been a bit of a blur, truth be told.” Hammond is definitely smiling, which he would certainly not be doing if he were about to Court Marshall anyone. Which is simultaneously comforting and terrifying.

“Well,” says Sam, who hasn’t spoken in so long it almost comes out as a croak. “George is certainly better than Sproglet.”

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on my Tumblr (clottedcreamfudge) in May 2014 - HOH MAMA. Tintagel gave me the prompts "SG-1, Sam/Jack, accidental baby acquisition" and I rolled with it... Thought it was time I posted this ficlet here. If you enjoyed it, you may shout your praise into the void, and it will pass this along to me in the fullness of time.
> 
> Or, y'know... leave a comment.


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